I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize