FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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