i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
