I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
BRING THE BAGELS
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
