i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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