I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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