I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
