Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize