I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
