OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
