she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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