Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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