No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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