i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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