Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
