i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
