sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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