Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I DEMAND FORESKIN
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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