why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize