I want you more than these girls want KFC
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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