Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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