i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
