My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
