I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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