I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
