So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
