i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
