Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
