It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
