I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
