After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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