I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
