His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
