theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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