I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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