Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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