You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
