When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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