Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
