I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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