I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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