mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
