We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
