Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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