So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
