You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
