I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize