I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
They have beer where we have blood.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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