i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
