i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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