my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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