went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Randomize
