my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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