Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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