did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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