A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize