I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
