my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
birth control should be required to get into college
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize