There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
