I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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